It’s 2021 and for the first time the change in year has real meaning for me other than a contract renewal. This is going to be another short one because it is that time of year and there is a lot going on. Next week I’ll talk about elephant sanctuaries and poo poo paper.
I had an epiphany the other day while talking about my mother and her mother. I think about Mom a lot this time of year because of our shared birthday and her passion for Christmas. We used up the last of her Christmas themed toilet paper this season. We will not be buying more. The stuff was obviously inspired by the bathroom tissue in Denmark. Or, possibly Germany where, when my Dad was stationed there in the 60s, they used the German toilet paper to clean their weapons. Anyway, back in the 20th my grandmother was diagnosed with a lack of empathy. When we heard this the entire family collectively went, “Oh, that’s what it is.”
According to Psychology Today people who have low levels of empathy are unable to see things from another’s perspective. This is unlike sympathy which is seeing another’s perspective but filtered through your own understanding. Using my grandmother for example, may she rest in peace, as a mom she could relate to mom issues that she had gone through. But something she had not, like dealing with health problems her children had not had, she simply couldn’t connect. And I realized, that was also my mom.
I would say that my grandmother was also a bit of a narcissist. (Narcissists can be sympathetic.) She was the most important person in her world, her relationships were troubled, and she craved attention. That said, she wasn’t evil and was capable of love. In her own way. My mother was not a narcissist. She had strong relationships and did not relish attention. But one of the most repeated things I remember from my childhood is her saying, “I don’t understand.”
This happened when we experienced something she had never gone through. Sometimes even when we had experiences, and reactions, that were very similar to what she had undergone. So, why does this matter as we start a new year, a metaphysical fresh start? Therapy.
I’m neurotic as fuck. On the Big 5 personality test my openness, conscientiousness, and agreeableness, are all high but my neuroticism is 100%. (My extroversion is 0.) Then my niece put up a meme on what gaslighting looks like. My joking reply was, “That sounds like my entire childhood.” The funniest part is, it’s true.
I don’t understand. I don’t understand why you are acting this way. I don’t understand why you are being so sensitive. I don’t understand why you feel this way. My mom wasn’t gaslighting me. She legitimately did not understand because she lacked the empathy to do so. To be clear, we never felt unloved by Mom. I knew I could come to her with just about anything. She was accepting. She was not understanding.
I’ve been in and out of therapy a few times. I’ve found it helpful but unsatisfying and I think that my neuroticism is my major issue. It underlies my anxiety which feeds my depression, among other things. And part of managing my neuroticism is dealing with my relationship with my mother. I know, so cliché. Mothers and daughters, what can I say?
This means my entire approach to therapy, treating the symptoms over the underlying cause, needs to change. What are you changing in the New Year?