I am in a mixed marriage. No, I don’t mean the fact that I am African American and my husband is not. On our first hang out my husband and I really connected. We talked until they closed the place down. Our next few dates were more of the same. I don’t mind small talk and am generally comfortable talking to people. As a matter of fact, once you get to know me I don’t shut up. I can actually be really fun and social- for a short period of time or with a small group of close friends. I like to go out and try new things. Sometimes. I don’t even mind being the center of attention- as long as I am prepared for and in control of it. I am one of those introverts – there are actually a lot of us – who isn’t particularly bothered by public speaking. Especially when I’m speaking about something that I am passionate about. So it’s easy to understand that the poor man had no idea he was dating an introvert.
My husband is not an introvert. While I am sixty/forty towards introversion he is more eighty/twenty in the opposite direction. He gets his energy from people. He comes to life when he’s with others, going to dinners and concerts and conversing. He has a quick wit and can strike up a conversation with just about anyone. Me, even when it is something I know I will enjoy like a book club, I have to psych myself up for social interactions with new people. I will occasionally make plans to ‘mingle’ but then the time comes and, oh boy, do I want to cancel. For the longest time I didn’t realize that I walked with my head down to block out all the stuff going on around me. And to avoid making accidental eye contact and having to endure the social rituals such unintentional connection demands in the US.
I wrote that extroverts get energy from social interaction, while introverts get energy from introspection. Research suggests that it’s more complicated than that. It’s more about sensitivity to stimulation. Introverts are more sensitive to stimulation so it takes a lot less of it to get to the same place as extroverts. Years ago I invited my good friend and her wife over to dinner. We three ladies talked through dinner, through desert, and kept on talking. We sat and talked for about four or five hours. My husband really likes my friends. Afterward he told me he never wants to go through that again. For me talking deeply and at length with one or two people can be energizing. For my extrovert husband it can be draining. On the other hand he once spent three solid days with a large group celebrating a friend’s birthday.
Because my husband is an American extrovert there are a few misperceptions that he still has to fight because they are so ingrained into America’s perception of introversion. Like the idea that I must be insecure because I don’t seek out social engagement. Yes, I can be insecure. But not being a Chatty Kathy is not one of my symptoms. Or mixing shyness and introversion. Shyness is about fear and introversion is not. Other issues that creep up are the beliefs that I must be unhappy because I am quiet, I have few friends, or am standing in a corner observing the party instead of jumping into the middle of things. That not talking to other people is holding me back. Maybe. When I worked a six day a week I used to go into the office on Saturdays because most people came in on Sundays. I missed out on the networking opportunity but when the place was fairly empty I could actually get work done. Good work. Which is why I was offered my boss’s job when he left even though I’d only been there three months. Opportunities come in a variety of ways.
Too often extroverts are hell-bent on pulling their beloved introverts out of their shells. Instead think about the animals that have shells. What happens when you rip it off? Not a pretty picture. The shell is there for protection. So, take a step back. Contemplate what is going on inside of that shell. Extroverts want their introverts to be happy, but the way happiness is often portrayed in extrovert loving America is in a very overenthusiastic form that would easily suck an introvert dry. Instead of doing as you would have done unto to you ask them what they would prefer.
That said, I am not always an easy person to get along with. Introverts are people and like all people we can be assholes. My husband and I both taught in Korea. We both loved being in the classroom but for him being essentially on stage for several hours a day left him pumped up and energized. Responding and interacting to hundreds of different people left me in need of a nap. If I didn’t get the down time I needed I would get itchy and bitchy. When I feel my needs aren’t being met, I can get shitty, resentful, and at worst, passive aggressive. During my research for these posts I came across The Introverted Mother by Eowyn Stoddard. She wrote “I remember days where I had my fill of interaction, physical affection, and talking. The last thing I wanted was yet another person needing me and my affection in the evenings. My husband ended up getting the dregs of me.” That really struck a chord with me. My husband loves me and wants to spend time with me. But between him and the kid there is always somebody there. Touching me, demanding my attention, needing me. I feel torn between my family’s need for me and my own requirement to be alone.
For extroverts and introverts in relationships together it’s important to remember that when it comes to socializing with others, your partner is not designed like you are. Sociologist Erving Goffman distinguished between “back stage” and “front stage.” Introverts often feel we have to choose between being real and being public. The public us is the lite version of who we are. Everyone has different versions of themselves that they pull out or put on the shelf for different occasions. I think we introverts spend a bit more time shoring things up behind the scenes. What my husband sees as an easy little gathering like drinks after work or bringing a friend home for dinner is for me an emotionally elaborate event that needs more back stage preparation.
Add these differences to the conflict resolution that must occur in any successful relationship and you’ve got the makings of another, super long, post that I will write at a much later date. Ultimately it comes down to understanding and being respectful of your partner’s needs, and receiving understanding and respect in return. This will involve compromise. An unwillingness to compromise is a relationship issue that has nothing to do with introversion or extroversion and everything to do with respect.
Maintaining a relationship long term takes work. There are a few very introvert ways to bond with a partner. I used to write my husband letters. Physical letters with actual stamps that he would receive in the mail. Love letters but also letters of appreciation or just thoughts I had. I used to leave love notes and passion promises in his luggage when he would travel. These are things that I let fall by the wayside that I shall be picking back up again. Take time out to go on dates together. My parents, who were admittedly both introverts, managed to have a once a month date night and to get away for the weekend at least two or three times a year while both working full time and raising four kids. Their forty year marriage was the stronger for it. Share in the little things like television shows or walks. Even these small connections count. Finally, kiss. As often as you can, as deeply as you like.