This is not my first blog. It’s not even my fourth blog. When Lil Bit first came into our lives I started a blog called Boogers and Drool: A Love Story. Great name, right? It has exactly one post. That post begins like this:
“Once upon a time there was a mother who loved her little girl so much she could not let her go. Days, weeks, and months passed and, impossibly, that love grew and grew and grew. Until she loved her daughter so much the only thing she could do is let her go.”
In truth, I don’t actually know if this is her other mother’s story. This is inspired by what the agency told us. Our adoption is open but we do not know Lil Bit’s other mother, her Oma. Things happened very quickly. We got the call, had a brief meeting with her other mother, and brought Lil Bit home within a matter of hours. Because of her age and attachment issues it would be almost a year until we saw her Oma again.
The several meetings since then have been focused entirely on Lil Bit. We still don’t know her Oma very well. And she doesn’t know us. She knows about us. She knows what we put in our adoption book. And now we are all in this most intimate of relationships.
We never got a chance to hash out what we all wanted out of this relationship. Oh, my husband, SM, and I had discussions. With each other, with our social worker, with family members, with the agency. But never with Lil Bit’s other mom. And all those discussions, brainstorming different scenarios, talking, talking, and talking, all crumble in the reality of actually having this little person in your life.
For us, becoming parents changed our perspectives. I’ve become more empathetic to Lil Bit’s other mother. From the start Lil Bit was a happy, healthy baby girl. A beautiful baby girl. And that is due to the sacrifices made by her other mother through the most difficult of circumstances. My husband, an adoptee himself, has become even more uncomfortable with openness. He respects the sacrifices made but feels that letting go, distance, is a necessary part of the process.
Our agency asks parents to consent to, at minimum, monthly updates and yearly meetings, as long as the birth family desires.
When we left for Denmark a little over six months ago we’d already had three meetings with Lil Bit’s Oma over the course of less than a year. I think even she was surprised at how often she would want to see Lil Bit. I set up a site for pictures so that Oma doesn’t have to go through the agency every time, but never sent her the information because all of this has made SM very uneasy.
Legally there is no such thing as an open adoption within the state of Louisiana. Louisiana’s adoption records are confidential. After the office Vital Records completes the process for the new birth certificate, the original birth certificate is sealed along with the court order and adoption report provided to process the new birth certificate. The sealed record can only be opened if ordered by a court of competent jurisdiction. The process is both archaic and ridiculous, typical of Louisiana.
Most adoption stories lie somewhere in-between horror and honey. The stories are messy, dramatic, heartbreaking, joyful. Because, when it comes down to it, adoption stories are stories of family. Oma is Lil Bit’s family. She is and will always be Lil Bit’s mother. We are and will always be Lil Bit’s parents. Oma’s connection to Lil Bit doesn’t weaken or threaten our connection to her. The more people Lil Bit has in her corner the better. But it does complicate things.
Openness means Lil Bit will not have the feeling of a “missing piece” in her life because she will have access to background on her heritage and ancestry. She’ll know the details of her adoption story. Lil Bit will be able to get answers to questions she has about her medical background, including questions about her mental and emotional health.
By no means is open adoption all rainbows and unicorns. Openness means dealing head on with evocative issues like parenthood, power, identity, and fear. We have to deal with family and friends and even that niggling voice in our own heads that say that openness will make Oma want Lil Bit back. There may be boundary issues and/or unmet or unrealistic expectations. It might simply be that we don’t “click”. But, for the most part, these are issues that can be resolved with clear and honest communication.
So that’s what we’ll do. Talk. Communicate. I want to say belatedly, but I don’t think that’s true. Sure, it would have been awesome if we’d all been able to sit down and define the relationships involved before Lil Bit joined our family. But, due to the circumstances, that simply wasn’t possible. This is a conversation we need to have, but it’s also a conversation that is continuous. As Lil Bit grows, as life happens, needs will change. And we need to be able to respond to those changes be they messy, dramatic, heartbreaking, or joyful. Such is life.