By the end of a year in Houston, in New Jersey, and in every city we lived in in Korea I had made a few friends. Then we moved back home. Houston and New Jersey were my twenties. I moved to Korea in my early thirties and most of the people I met were my age or younger. Mostly younger. Moving back home in my forties I came face to face with the reality of making friends as an actual grown up.
As a general rule introverts enjoy solitude. We don’t need the presence of other people to feel content. Because of our love of solitude for introverts the process of getting to know people is difficult- it can be easy for us to abandon it. But we introverts are also human and humans, all of us, are social creatures. I think of the process of getting to know people like an intense workout. We do it because we know it’s good for us. However even if we enjoy it, and some introverts do, we know that it will leave us exhausted. Which is why it is so important to find the right friends.
In my previous post I wrote about figuring out the kind of person you would like to connect with before running out into the world to try to make those connections. Ideally I would like a friend who has a strong personality and beliefs but isn’t controlling. Someone I can argue with without them taking it personally or tone policing me. Someone creative, though not necessarily artistic with it. I’d like a friend who reads fiction and nonfiction. Someone political and also a bit geeky. An interest in science fiction, horror, or fantasy is a plus.
This is someone I’d like to hang out with once or twice most weeks. It would be great if she’s a mom and better if our kids are close to the same age. Someone who likes wine, travel and enjoys life’s physical pleasures. It would be nice if she got along with my husband. A woman with a spiritual side- I am not opposed to religious as long as she is open minded about it. Someone I could talk for ages with but also feel comfortable sitting with in silence. Someone who is not colorblind.
I don’t shut up once you get me going and, as you’ve read, I hold some really fucking strong opinions. I need a friend who is going to be able to hold her own about it but also one who knows when to let it go. There are things we are simply not going to change our minds about and we need people in our lives that will respect that. For example, I have friends who are Christian and friends who are atheist. Both are often surprised to find out I don’t play on their respective teams. I am not an atheist but do not consider myself a biblical Christian. Any friend I have needs to accept that.
Meeting people means introducing myself. Something I suck at and, online, often fail to do entirely. Some tips I’ve picked are one, to actually do it. This is one of those simplistic situations in which the phrase “Just do it” is actually apropos. A simple, “Hi, I’m Rena. Nice to meet you.” is better than nothing. A few things can make introductions more memorable, or at least more interesting.
Express pleasure in being a part of the group. Stretch the introduction out into three to five sentences. Share a bit of background and make it personal. Maybe even write it down in advance. “Hi, I’m Rena. I was practically weaned on horror and have a particular soft spot for vampires. But the stories Joss Whedon told through Buffy the Vampire Slayer really appealed to me as a young woman and as a societal outsider. Now, decades later, I am so happy to be in a group where I can fully explore my love of all things Buffy!” (Yes, I actually belong to this group.)
It also may mean making small talk. Even online. As an introvert I find small talk stilted, halting conversation that frequently runs into dead ends. Awkward. Dr. Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D. in a clinical psychology and author, is an Associate Professor of Behavioral Sciences at the Ross University School of Medicine. She says to avoid the pitfalls so many of us stumble into when trying to master small talk we should “arm (ourselves) with an arsenal of unusual conversation starters.” View the interaction as a project or presentation for which we need to prepare. Avoid the weather and work and ask questions like: What’s your favorite way to waste time? or What weird or useless talent do you have? There are countless websites with an infinite number of conversation starters online.
Once we’ve got an idea about the kind of person we’d like to meet, our introductions planned out, and our conversation starters memorized other ideas for new connections include asking for introductions through the friends we already have by having friends hook us up. Playing friend matchmaker can also expand our circles. We can also try to deepen connections we have with people we already know. For those of us who are looking to start or expand our careers joining a mastermind or attending conferences can both allow us to meet people while expanding our careers. Both of these cost, but it hurts less if we see them also as investments.
Remember, just because you’ve finally worked up the energy to reach out to someone doesn’t mean you have to be their friend. Like most people I have had my fair share of friendships with people who I ultimately decided were simply too much. I may be an introvert but I totally have a tendency to talk too much and to overshare. Part of the social awkwardness that can come when you avoid, and therefore never learn to master, venal social interaction. So I respect that things can be tumultuous in the beginning.
We introverts have a tendency to keep our quirks, our funny weirdness, our true selves hidden until we feel comfortable around someone. Everyone hides. It’s a self-preservation skill most of us learn early on. Sometimes, though, an interaction with a person can makes me feel like I have just survived a psychic vampire attack. In many of these cases it is a simple mismatch of personalities. In others it’s because the other person is in need of something to the point that they are clingy and emotionally draining.
Such people can be hard for us introverts to parse. Introverts are known for being good listeners. Sure, this is not always the case. I know it’s a skill I need to work on. It’s just that extroverts can interpret our quiet for rapt attention when we are in fact miles away. This appearance of calmness can make us attractive to emotionally needy people. When this happens we can be so happy not to have to be the one who initiates that we get caught up in these exhausting and unsatisfying relationships before we even realize what has happened.
This is why it is super important that we pay attention to how we feel after our interactions with new people. Being with someone new is going to be rather uncomfortable at first. Look, it’s going to be normal for us to feel a bit tired after interfacing with someone new. But the interaction should also leave us feeling pretty good, like we’ve accomplished something or maybe even felt a spark of connection. The more time we spend together the more at ease we should feel. Feeling shattered is not normal, even for introverts. If this happens RUN, in the nicest way possible. Kindly extricate yourself and don’t feel bad about it. As highly sensitive people traversing most modern cultures is tiring enough. We don’t need to add to our fatigue.
In the last post I suggested that folks comment on blog posts, join Facebook groups, tweet people, comment on their Instagram- all of that. Confession: I’ve done all of that. I follow people and am a member of so many Facebook groups. So. Many. I follow people on Instagram. I like, I heart, I comment, and I’ve got very little to show for it. The only reason I haven’t gotten into Twitter is that it seems like a black hole that I may not be able to climb out of. It gets frustrating! We may be tempted to force or settle for a bond that is less than satisfying. Don’t. No one, especially we introverts, wants to end up with a bunch of shallow, fatuous, relationships that disintegrate because they never had a solid foundation. The fact is that friendships can take a while to form. Especially those with any depth.
Sources
Dr. Laurie Helgoe | Introvert Power
Here are some other ideas for those with loads of time, and cash.