First week of work.
Random coworker asks, “So, how’s the pot roast?”
SM responds with a shrug, “It’s okay.”
Random coworker’s frenzied response, “No! You have to have a strong opinion about everything! Either it’s incredible or it sucks!”
This is one, a totally true story. Two it is an example of distorted thinking called dichotomous or all or nothing thinking. Otherwise known as Welcome to New Jersey. Dichotomous thinking happens when we look at things in absolute, black-and-white categories. It can have negative effects on the way we see ourselves or the situations that we find ourselves in.
It’s a very American way to think. We are spoon fed a black-and-white world view from the time we are very small. In Disneyfied fairy-tales we are told the heroes are the most virtuous, the maidens the most fair, the villains irredeemable. The language we use in the States is also very much either or. We’re exhausted, we’re starving, we’re awesome, and we’re amazing. We go big or we go home. There is little embracing of the middle ground.
This is especially true of our political system. Everything from the way we vote to the way our legal structure is set up is either/or. We vote yes or no. We decide if a person or company is responsible or not responsible. This can bring closure but one only has to glance at the current political atmosphere to see where it can also cause problems. Members of the in-group see themselves as mostly positive while members of the out-groups are seen as mostly negative. This is most evident in the current conflict between democrats and republicans.
In uncertain times, i.e. life, all-or-nothing thinking is often a defense mechanism. Splitting things into good or bad dilutes the completely normal anxiety that results from dealing with the complexities of a given situation by simplifying it thus making it easier to think about. It also buttresses our sense of ourselves as the good guys, fair and virtuous, while demonizing all those who do not share our opinions and values. It is a circumstance that leads to groupthink (when a group makes irrational choices in order to conform or to discourage dissent) and xenophobia- things that should sound familiar to anyone who’s been paying attention to the news.
Going back to fairy-tales. In the past we in the US were expected to move beyond such simplified fiction, to advance to more multifaceted characters and perceptions. The villains and heroes of Homer, of Shakespeare, of Austen are all complex beings drawn in shades of grey. Even Stephen King’s bad guys have layers and he writes horror. Unfortunately, for the past few years, or decades, we have chosen to stay ensconced in the comfortable embrace of dichotomous thinking reinforcing our inability to grasp the nuances that occur in real life.
This all-or-nothing type of thinking can seriously damage our sense of self, well-being, happiness, and our relationships. Going through life in terms of only total triumph or complete catastrophe is, at minimum, extremely stressful. It can lead to low self-esteem, feelings of depression, and/or anger. Unsurprisingly, using dichotomous language boosts dichotomous thinking which leads us to magnify thoughts and events through a distorted lens that can ironically leave us steeped in the very anxiety we were trying to avoid. This type of thinking is a negative thinking pattern. One that’s common in people with panic disorder, depression, or other anxiety-related issues. Ultimately, this type of thinking prohibits us from seeing things as they really are.
So, how do we stop it? I’m going to digress for a moment. I was listening to the NPR Invisibilia podcast “The Secret History of Thoughts”. In it they spoke of the three ways the medical community is thinking about the way we think. The first is based in Freud and is certainly the way I was brought up to think about thoughts: Thoughts have meaning. Each thought we have is deeply rooted into our psyche and may be an important part of who we are. Therefore understanding where they come from can be essential to understanding who we are.
Then Aaron Beck came along and pursued the idea that instead of accepting and exploring our thoughts perhaps we should challenge them. Particularly the sort of thoughts he dubbed automatic negative thoughts. This was the birth of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). A series of studies has shown that CBT is more effective than traditional Freudian therapy and leads more people more quickly to mental health often making big changes in months as opposed to years. This is the kind of therapy my own therapist uses and is by far the most popular in the US today.
Then there are third wave therapies. Some people lump these in as a version of CBT while others see them as separate. The idea behind third wave therapy is that the vast majority of our thoughts, even our dark thoughts, have no meaning at all. They are not entrenched inside of us or even worthy of being contradicted. That most of our thoughts are simply detritus floating unchecked in our minds and they only gain power when we actually pay attention to them. So third wave therapy teaches us how to ignore them using meditation and other techniques. This might be familiar to horror fans as the way to defeat Freddy Krueger, a multidimensional villain.
I’m not a therapist and I am not going to advocate for one way or another. It could very well be that our all or nothing thinking is linked to our relationships with our mothers or some other deep seated issue. Freudian think would say that though we ease this symptom we will continue to deal with manifestations of other symptoms until we burrow out the root cause. But often a relief of the symptoms is all we need to get back to functionality or even gain some measure of contentment. Both CBT and third wave therapy techniques are accessible to the layman though being guided by a therapist is doubtlessly preferable.
The key to stepping away from dichotomous thinking is to step out of our brains and do some meta-cognition; thinking about thinking. Take note of when we use exaggerated verbiage. Analyze it. Try to find the positive side of the situation. Is it true that the presentation was an unmitigated disaster or was it more that they didn’t laugh at every joke but were still engaged with the content? Use mediation or visualization techniques to challenge or dismiss our perceptions. People who are caught in dichotomous thinking, especially negative dichotomous thinking, often feel that we are being harshly realistic. In truth reality is invariably somewhere in the middle. Things are never as bad, or as good, as they seem.
There is a freedom in this realization.
Letting go of all or nothing dichotomous thinking means not living in extremes. It is no longer being manipulated by ideas of who we should be or what we must do. It gives us patience because we understand that a situation that isn’t favorable in the moment is changeable. A failed test is not a failed career and a fight isn’t the end of a relationship. Stepping outside of this cycle of thinking can allow us to see the alternatives in a situation or possible solutions to a problem.