Forgiveness is not weakness. Let’s put that right out there from the beginning. It’s embracing bitterness that’s easy. Ruminating, marinating, stagnating in the hurt done us. That comes naturally. Forgiveness, on the other hand, does not. That’s one of the things that makes it one of the most powerful things we can do.
Forgiveness does not eliminate or even make smaller the wrong done us. It is not a denial of what happened. It doesn’t mean forget about it. It sure as hell doesn’t make everything okay. Nor does it mean there isn’t more work to be done on the relationship – if we choose to continue said relationship. Forgiveness does not take away any consequences the other person should face because of their actions.
When, if, we do decide to forgive feelings of relief or healing are rarely immediate. Our negative feelings are not turned off nor made miraculously positive. On the contrary, forgiving someone is often more difficult and uncomfortable than holding a grudge. Forgiveness is an act and a process.
So, why on earth would we put ourselves through this? Forgiveness breaks the hold that has been put on us. Refusing to forgive is holding on to our pain. This allows the hurt to continue, to fester inside of us. Unresolved conflict can go deep, affecting us both mentally and physically. Studies have found forgiving can bring about enormous improvements in our physical and mental health: improved self-esteem, cholesterol levels, and sleep, healthier relationships, less anxiety, stress and hostility, lower blood pressure, fewer depression symptoms, a stronger immune system, lowering the risk of heart attack, reducing pain, and even lower mortality rates.
In the book, Forgiveness and Health edited in 2015 by Toussaint, Worthington and David R. Williams, PhD the editors detail the physical and psychological benefits of forgiveness. They believe that the biggest factor that makes forgiveness affect our health so powerfully is simple stress relief. Stress can help us rise to meet challenges but chronic stress weakens nearly every system in the body. It can even rewire the brain, leaving us more vulnerable to health problems. This stance is supported by Karen Swartz, M.D., director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital who states. “There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed.” In Toussaint’s words, “Forgiveness allows you to let go of the chronic interpersonal stressors that cause us undue burden.”
As important as the relief of prolonged stress is, Bob Enright, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin, Madison thinks the liberation from “toxic” anger is an additional reason that forgiveness has such a commanding effect on our systems. “There’s nothing wrong with healthy anger, but when anger is very deep and long lasting, it can do a number on us systemically,” he says. Toxic anger is maladaptive. It can be aggressive anger, but it can also be stifled or veiled. Doctor Yoichi Chida, MD, PhD, found in his analysis published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology in 2009 that a higher risk of heart disease, and poorer outcomes for people with existing heart disease are linked to both anger and hostility. We may not even realize how much anger we have.
This is especially true for women. Anger is considered a masculine emotion. In many societies it is one of the few men are allowed to express. There are whole books on how fucked up that is but as women we are often told that anger is bad. Rather than learn how to express it in a healthy way we are encouraged to shove it down and keep it repressed or else be shamed. Letting go of that anger can bring an intense relief. Especially as we let go of the anxiety often intertwined with it. Our muscles literally relax and we suddenly have a whole lot of energy we can focus on other things.
Though it seems counterintuitive forgiveness can also help rebuild self-esteem by allowing us to stand up to our hurt. This can cause us to change the way we see ourselves. Enright adds. “When people are beaten down by injustice, you know who they end up not liking? Themselves.” In forgiving we let go of resentment, vengeance, and pain. More, research indicates that as we age the forgiveness-health connection only becomes more powerful.
Forgiveness does not require us to open ourselves up to be hurt again. It’s not something we can be forced into by outside pressures. It is not the same as justice, nor does it require reconciliation. We don’t have to wait for an apology or atonement. We don’t even have to share our act of forgiveness with the other person because forgiveness isn’t about them. It’s about us.
Though forgiveness rarely comes easily some people are naturally better at it than others. Those people tend to be generally happier, more satisfied with their lives and less prone to depression, anxiety, stress, and anger. People who tend to deliberate on the wrongs done us, who come back to old pains and prod them, dissect them, who dwell in the acid of rejection and betrayal, those of us who hang on to grudges, and obsess about (sweet, sweet) revenge – we are more likely to suffer depression, anxiety, stress, and anger. There is good news for those of us closer to Gollum than Frodo. We can train ourselves to be more forgiving.
One of the first things we need to do when we decide to forgive is suss out what it is, exactly, we are forgiving. We need to identify and own our emotions in order to express ourselves and acknowledge our hurt. Don’t minimize it. Don’t suppress it. Think about the incident. Accept that it happened. In order to forgive, we need to recognize the truth of what transpired and how we were affected. This takes into account the events themselves, how we reacted, how we felt, and the continuing effect of that pain.
Though we can we don’t need to share this with anyone. We can choose to speak to or of the situation directly to the offender, a friend, a therapist, or just scream into the void. Journaling and other creative outlets are wonderful for expressing emotion of all kinds. We can write it down, paint it out, or express in some other concrete way. Destroying the tangible embodiment of our pain with fire or by shredding it into pieces can be one of the first steps in letting go.
The next step is to cultivate empathy. Research has shown that empathy is associated with forgiveness and can make the process easier. This can be particularly difficult for those of us who were taught the phrase “I understand.” is equal to saying, “It’s okay.” I can understand, empathize with, the security guard who comes home early from his shift who murders his wife and best friend when he finds them in bed together. However, if I am on the jury I will still vote guilty because that shit is not okay. Just like forgiveness is not in lieu of consequence or punishment, neither is understanding.
Being empathetic doesn’t mean agreeing about what was done to us. It’s about putting ourselves in another’s shoes. Don’t see them as the enemy. Instead think about their situation. Were there extenuating circumstances? Was the harm done intentional? Have we ever made similar mistakes? If not journaling already this is where writing things down, with a goal of being more empathetic, can help. Journaling about a situation which is causing us pain can help us process what happened and move on.
How we write and what we choose to focus on are key. Try looking for the positive. Looking inside ourselves and seeing how this experience has made us grow. Does the person have any noble qualities or were/are there good aspects to our relationship? What did we learn about our needs and boundaries? Is there a silver lining to the situation? A gratitude journal can also help us turn our attention away from our upset and onto our joy.
Speaking of boundaries, forgiveness does not mean leaving ourselves open to more pain. As the saying goes: When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Forgiveness does not preclude self-protection. The last thing we want is to find ourselves in the same damaging situation. We need to set boundaries and decide what we need to do to protect ourselves from being hurt again. This may include cutting someone from our lives. Again, forgiveness does not mean freeing someone from consequence.
It is important that we make a commitment to forgive and commit to not using the situation as a weapon against those whom we forgive. “Forgiveness,” Joretta L. Marshall, PhD, a United Methodist minister and professor of pastoral care at the Eden Theological Seminary in St. Louis notes, “is never complete unless people and relationships are transformed in the process.” This does not mean that we have to continue a relationship. The ending may be the transformation necessary to move on. We have to remember that forgiveness is a process, a conscious choice we may have to make more than once.
Being hurt, being betrayed, being violated, causes rage, misery, and anguish. By dwelling on these negative events the negative emotions swell into grudges filled with resentment or obsession about (sweet, sweet) vengeance. Before we know it we become shells filled with bitterness incapable of moving on with our lives. Forgiveness is a progression.
We should not attempt to forgive someone before we have identified and fully felt, until we have expressed, and until we have released our agony and despair. We have to take the time to work through all of our emotional issues before we can even get to a place to begin to contemplate forgiveness. And it’s okay if we never get there.
We will encounter hurtful situations as long as we battle through life. Some people will do and have done things that are simply unconscionable. But we can still use forgiveness as a way to change how we respond to our pain. Embrace the fact that forgiveness is not based on others’ actions but on our attitudes. Forgiveness is a move away from suffering. It is a commitment to a personalized process of change.
Forgiveness involves letting go and moving on but it is only part of the process. Forgiveness is not a pardon nor is it selective amnesia. It doesn’t eliminate our feelings, positive or negative, about a situation. It’s not something we need to share with anyone. It’s not an end. There is often a lot more work to be done, particularly if we want to move to reconciliation. Forgiveness also doesn’t mean we have to keep anyone in our lives. Most importantly, forgiveness isn’t something we do for anyone else. It is something we do for ourselves. Forgiveness is offering empathy, compassion, and understanding toward someone who has caused us pain. This makes forgiveness powerful. This makes us powerful.
Sources
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/201409/how-do-you-forgive-even-when-it-feels-impossible-part-1
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201309/revenge-will-you-feel-better
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce-and-infidelity/forgiveness-and-restoration/forgiveness-what-it-is-and-what-it-isnt
https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/healthy_aging/healthy_connections/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it?fb_comment_id=2032587653421836_2375371285810136
http://thriveboston.com/counseling/learning-to-forgive-the-5-steps-of-forgiveness/
https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/learning-to-forgive-yourself
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-forgive-3144957