Back *home* in Copenhagen and figured, as by even my measure, we have been here over a year now, I would write a little bit about life here as an outsider. Be it for work, leisure, the lower cost of living, or simply a lust for adventure more and more of all kinds of people are choosing to live abroad. Denmark, particularly Copenhagen, is praised as one of the happiest countries in the world. It is seen as easy going, organized, and stress-free. In a way it is. Especially for Danes. But living in Denmark, like anywhere else, there are ups and downs. That’s life.
Unless you are Scandic or have direct ties to Denmark it is highly doubtful any of us will arrive on these shores fluent in the Danish language. I have heard that the current philosophy among linguists is there is no such thing as a language that is more difficult than another. But, depending on your linguistic background, I think that many will find Danish, Dansk, a challenge.
The good news is that the vast majority of Danes speak English at at least a fluent conversational level. This was even true when my dad first visited the country over fifty years ago. If, like myself, you are only in the country temporarily, this can make some things much easier. The bad news is the vast majority of Danes speak English at at least a fluent conversational level. If you want to make Danish friends or immerse in Danish culture learning the language is a must. But there are few places outside of a classroom in which you will be forced to speak it. The government used to sponsor language classes for new arrivals but this ended less than six months after our arrival.
Speaking Danish is particularly important because Danish culture is fairly closed. Though quick and friendly surface conversations are not uncommon: Where are you from? Do you like it here? The weather! Am I right? It rarely gets deeper than that. Danes typically go to school with the same people from the age of one. By the time they reach adulthood they simply don’t have a lot room in their lives for new connections. Probably one of the reasons the country is so happy.
The expat community we have encountered here is also a bit different than we’ve experienced in the past. For example, in Korea (you knew it was coming) holidays were a time of expat community. Whether it be celebrating a holiday that isn’t acknowledged in our temporary homes or getting together when all of the locals have joined friends and family for their own traditions holidays brought expats together. The vast majority of expats I have met here are married to Danes and have been here, or expect to be here, decades. Most of the others are EU citizens. When holidays roll around they have their own families to attend to.
I speak as an expat in her forties and parent of a young child. For young people, especially students, things are probably different. Particularly, since we have yet to take part in the local drinking culture. Honestly, I haven’t even seen the local drinking culture. I have, however, heard it and seen its aftermath. No judgment. Lord knows I have my own stories, some from as recently as this year’s NOLA Jazz Fest. (50 years!) But we don’t party like we used to so we don’t get to connect to locals in that way.
Speaking of parenthood, raising a child in Denmark truly is everything one would expect. As long as local cultural standards are adhered to. Not putting kids in vuggestuer, the Danish nursery for infants, by the time they are one at the latest will receive serious pushback. As will homeschooling, though it is at least allowed unlike in other countries in Europe. Being a stay at home mom with visa restrictions I had not planned on putting my child in børnehaver, the nursery for toddlers to preschoolers. But there were no children around and few services available during the day for our extremely active and social toddler.
That said, her børnehaven is wonderful and she absolutely loves it there. Wind, rain, or snow, the kids are outside everyday. There is a focus on learning through play, independence, and letting the children resolve conflicts themleves. Punishment is ‘time in’ rather than ‘time out’ and corporal punishment, including spanking by teachers or parents, has been illegal in Denmark since 1997. There is an app through which they send out photos and information. Field trips are frequent and, unless the kids have to be there early or need some particular gear, I may not even know about a trip until Lil Bit tells me when I pick her up or I get the photos on the app. There are occasional cultural and language miscommunications but they have thus far been resolved fairly quickly.
Though she is currently in a Danish børnehaven, if she starts first grade while we are still in Denmark it will be at an international school. For Denmark, even for Copenhagen, we live in a somewhat diverse area. A good quarter to third of the children at her nursery school are foreign or multiethnic. But she still stands out as the only in every photo. Ninety percent of Danish people are Danes. If white Americans, many of whom live beside and work with people of diverse ethnicity and race, have trouble hearing, much less understanding, the perspectives of ethnic and racial minorities imagine how it can be in Denmark where the viewpoints of ethnic and racial minorities are largely unheard. Elementary school, where kids are ruled by the id, can already be bit too Lord of the Flies. However, it’s still better in Denmark than in the States where racial and ethnic prejudice is systemic, systematic, and violent to this day.
Another thing I say on repeat: Change is hard. If it were easy the lot of us would flit around undergoing butterfly like metamorphosis all the damned time. Despite Denmark’s happy reputation foreigners moving to the country the transition may encounter many obstacles. Relocation and the transition are often a source of anxiety in of themselves. Navigating breaucracy is always difficult and, despite the ubiquitousness of English, the language is often not offered in official documents. Then there are the social cues, which may be quite a bit more subtle in more homogeneous cultures. The struggle to wrap our brains around the Danish language. A lack of a social network leaves many of us feeling alone and isolated in a completely new, foreign country. The sheer amount of work it takes to reach out to people only to have what we thought were budding friendships wither on the vine.*
Moving from one country to another means abandoning the known for the unknown in the process leaving home behind and starting over from scratch. An adventure, to be sure. But, all in, the change can prove to be complicated, difficult, and stressful. Creating a feeling of home, building a social and safety network, these things take time. Months or even years. This leaves many of us feeling disappointed and tired. Even those who come to Denmark riding a unicorn over a rainbow while wearing rose tinted glasses can find themselves feeling worn down and lonely after a while. The nostalgia factor rears its ugly head and we end up longing to be back to a more familiar setting, where we felt seen, heard, and understood.
Based on the high consumption of antidepressants and the strangely high suicide rate the local population has its own struggles with depression. For many, including myself, depression and anxiety are often connected. Our interest and pleasure in life fade. We become more fragile, more sensitive to, and more affected by, the stressors around us. In response we retreat even more deeply into ourselves making us less likely to engage with others and form the very connections we need to break free of our downward spiral. This is absolutely normal.
By dropping ourselves into a foreign culture we’ve introduced high levels of uncertainty into our lives. Our brains hate this. To the human brain uncertainty is more stressful than knowing something bad is going to happen. Especially if we have issues with our lizard brains or are already under the stress of something like, oh, I don’t know, the major life change of an international move? On top of this, in abandoning the known for the unknown we can feel loss. A loss of identity, a loss of belonging, and a loss of purpose. Even a loss of safety. While I certainly feel safer from violence here in Copenhagen safety is also a feeling of comfort and understanding of how our world works. These feelings of stress, isolation, and grief can lead to cognitive traps. https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-untangle-yourself-from-cognitive-traps/ This kind of negative thinking, as discussed in Twisted http://mammiddleagedmama.com/twisted/ can become habitual. One of the strongest things we can do to avoid or limit this phase is to play.
Denmark is a wealthy country which cares about the well-being of its citizens. In Copenhagen there are a lot of open, public spaces, and it feels like the city has been designed for actual human beings rather than cars or industry. Locals here seem to feel that their fellow Danes are generally good people who can be trusted. There is a belief that the government exists to serve its people and will fulfill that purpose. People feel secure in their jobs, health, and education, pretty much the exact opposite of the state of things in the US. Which is perhaps why the redistribution of wealth through taxes seems have worked so well here. Their lives somewhat taken care of Danish people have the freedom to emotionally invest in things that matter more for happiness, family, friends, and plain old fun.
The locals know how to make time for themselves and balance work and free time. As a matter of fact, it seems to me that this is often a reason foreigners are hired. As with most countries, a company has to prove it cannot find a local before seeking a foreign hire. It seems less that they cannot find a Dane with the needed skills so much as they cannot find a Dane willing to work the hours and put in the travel the company desires. Of the few foreigners I have met, while work life balance is better than their home countries, they are still working upwards of forty-five or fifty hours a week and often traveling weeks out of every quarter. Most Danes value time spent with family and connection to community too much to take on such a position.
To find Danish contentment we need to take a page from the natives of our host country and place a high value on family, on social connections, on enjoying the most basic yet most important things in our lives. Yes, it’s a little different when your visa is tied to your job or to your spouse. But like many things that take a large amount of effort there are high levels of reward to reaching out. And, like most things, it’s best to start out small and slow. Even if it’s just smiling at a stranger while taking a walk in the sun.
*Though I confess that this is probably in part because I am awkward this did not seem to be as much of an impediment in Korea.