In the US when people think about sex they tend to think of penetration. As a matter of fact, there is still debate in certain online circles about whether or not queer women are having sex when they fuck. The answer is, yes. Yes, they are totally having sex. Not only are they having sex, they are having better sex than their cisgender, straight counterparts. Yep. Even today with an internet full of diagrams straight women are still having the fewest orgasms during sexual encounters.
There are lots of reasons for this. These two Psychology Today articles are a good place to start. The first article, “The Real Reason Men Have More Orgasms Than Women,” covers the fact that there is no physiological reason that straight women are having fewer orgasms than straight men. Both the penis and the clitoris have the same nerve endings. Plus, women, not having men’s refractory period after orgasm, can have multiple orgasms. Women can orgasm before, during, and after penetration or without any penetration at all. In short, straight women should be having ALL the orgasms. The second article is seven years old and still sadly relevant.
“So, why do lesbian women and women masturbating have more orgasms than women having sex with a male partner? Because there isn’t a penis involved. And why is there a gendered orgasm gap in heterosexual sex? Because there is a penis involved.”
Mintz, L. (2015, October 4). The Orgasm Gap: Simple Truth & Sexual Solutions. Psychology Today; www.psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stress-and-sex/201510/the-orgasm-gap-simple-truth-sexual-solutions
When it comes to sex between straight men and women there is still the many times debunked idea that orgasms are all about the penis. That vaginal orgasms should occur through penile penetration and that orgasms through other means are somehow less. As the article states, “…when penetration is involved, it’s often considered the main event and mistakenly assumed to be the way that both partners should orgasm.” (Mintz, L. 2015/10/4. The Orgasm Gap) I hold porn and its obsession with the cum shot partially to blame for this.
This is one reason I advocate for masturbation for everyone, but especially young women who plan to have sex with men. We all need to know our bodies and what we like before we enter into a sexual encounter with anyone else. By the time another person enters the picture you should have brought yourself to orgasm at least a hundred times. How you get there is entirely up to you. It’s totally okay to fantasize, to use a vibrator, to take your time. It’s your body and your journey. And when, if, you decide to have sex that includes another person be ready to advocate for yourself. Which is a lot easier to do if you already know something about what works for you.
So, once again, pornography is not sex. It is performance. More, women are generally not the ones that porn is made for. Or by, for that matter. Women are the main subjects of porn, but most porn is made for men. That means, that even when you grow up, if you are a girl/woman/femme most porn is not made for you. And it’s really, REALLY, not meant for anyone who is not a consenting adult. And if it’s not consensual, it’s not sex.
In porn clitoral stimulation is often used as a precursor to the main act of penetration and/or ejaculation. If clitoral stimulation is included at all. But porn is under the influence of the real problem: the PATRIARCHY. Maybe it would help to think of the clitoris as a tiny penis. For those who have them, imagine having sex with someone who is going to town on you. They are on your nipples, your testicles, hell, even your ass. Everywhere but your penis.
Sound frustrating? There you go.
For straight women to come like, or better than, straight guys stimulating the clitoris has to be as important to both/all partners as penile penetration.