Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Since moving into the place in which we will live for the next few years and placing LB in nursery school things are better. I was able to get this blog started and the alone time has been fantastic. FANTASTIC… Most of the time. At others the solitude starts to feel a bit like a cage. Especially as the days get colder and shorter, that alone time is beginning to feel a lot like loneliness.
In Korea all of my girlfriends were outgoing extroverts.* All of them. Fortunately for me they both understood and respected the fact of my introversion. They didn’t take it personally when I turned down invitations or left the party early. Which didn’t happen as often as it might have if social activity in Korea hadn’t been so well lubricated. Now we are literally and liberally scattered across the globe.
BR was interesting because we had our families there but making new connections still proved to be quite challenging. Old friends had their own lives or we just didn’t have much in common anymore. Most parents our age had kids in high school or college. Ours is in diapers. In my case, I never had a large or close circle of friends in BR. Almost all the few people I called friends left the city years ago. After three years in BR I was just starting to meet people I could relate to. Then we moved again. And, yet again, it is time to start over. The good news is that due to the fact that we introverts need more time to ourselves it takes fewer friends to make us feel connected. Most of us are happy with one or two deep friendships.
One of the first steps in setting out to make friends is to get a clear idea on the kind of friends we want to make. Things to think about include what our versions of the ideal friend and ideal friendship actually are. This is very personal and differs for each person. This time around I am going to specifically attempt to make at least one introverted girlfriend. This makes things more difficult because we introverts can be harder to get to know. Other concerns consist of how we prefer to communicate, what personality traits are important, and what interests we’d like to share.
In a way interests are both most important and easiest because interests are where we often start the process of meeting people. To begin make a list of five places to find people with similar interests. These places can be in real life or online. As a matter of fact, since I am looking for introvert friends, active online spaces may even be better for me. Online comment on blog posts, join Facebook groups, tweet people, comment on their Instagram- the world of social media is deep and varied. Explore at will.
Irl I need to go where my people are. This is where I really started to make progress back in BR. My cousin invited me to join her writing group. I joined several Meet Up groups, one of which I was really starting to feel a part of. I started to attend the Unitarian Universalist church. I was definitely making progress right before we left. But it took years as opposed to the weeks, and sometimes days, it took to find people to click with in Korea. This is in part because the expat community there is both larger and more transient. People are more likely to seek out others. Here in Denmark a lot of the “expats” I have met are longtime residents with strong Danish connections.
When we do meet people, online and especially in real life, and we do seem to have the start of a bond have a plan on making and maintaining contact. This also goes back to communication in general. How do we want to let a person know we want to stay in touch? Irl situations my time in Asia gave me a true appreciation for name cards or business cards. For a name, or personal contact, card only put down the contact information you are comfortable with. Mine had my name and an email address. That’s it. Then throw those things around like confetti.
Once you’ve met someone a couple of few times and things are going well suggest a regularly scheduled meet-up. Ask to hang out once a week, month, quarter, whatever you are comfortable with. Having a standing time to get-together means not having to plan something every time. Plus, if you are an introvert with anxiety issues (and being highly sensitive people this is not uncommon among us introverts in our loud, loud, oh so loud, culture) knowing what to expect can make us feel more comfortable.
Finally, don’t take rejection personally. I have to confess that, unless the person doing the rejection is someone with whom I have been emotionally intimate, this is pretty easy for me. After all, if you don’t know me then you aren’t rejecting me. You’re rejecting whatever you’ve projected onto me. However, I know that it isn’t that simplistic for lots of us. So, when our overture falls flat pause, step back, and find a safe space in which to process the interaction. Understand that it is not about us and we are not responsible for other people’s reactions. Making friends means opening ourselves up and making ourselves vulnerable to other people. Hard things to do for everyone, especially us introverts. But hard things get easier the more we practice.
Sources
11 Perfectly Introverted Ways To Make Friends As An Adult http://www.valgeisler.com/11-perfectly-introverted-ways-to-make-friends-as-an-adult/
4 Expert Recommended, Introvert Approved Tips for Making Friends When You Hate Meeting New People https://www.wellandgood.com/good-advice/how-to-make-friends-introvert/
The Introvert’s Complete Guide To Making Friends Who ‘Get’ You https://introvertdear.com/news/introverts-guide-making-friends-get/
3 Simple Ways To Make Friends If You’re An Introvert https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17668/3-simple-ways-to-make-friends-if-youre-an-introvert.html
*There are outgoing introverts. You know that friend who hardly ever goes out but when she does she is there for it? Outgoing introvert.