Being an introvert mom has its challenges. Introverts get their energy from being alone and are drained by being with other people. Extroverts get their energy from being with other people and are drained by being alone. Introverts often enjoy being around people but it is a drain on our energy. Extroverts can enjoy time spent alone, but it is the interaction with other people that energizes them. I mentioned before that I usually rate about a sixty percent in introversion on most personality tests. I don’t think introvert moms have it worse than extrovert moms, parenting can be emotionally exhausting for anyone, but the some of the issues are definitely different.
It is said that introverts prefer deep, meaningful conversation. I don’t think that this is true. Introverts prefer to speak in depth about the things about which they are passionate. This could be international politics or how to create the perfect smoky eye. For most of us this does not include the constant, often barely intelligible, patter of a two year old. For introverted moms a toddler’s relentless chatter can be especially draining.
However the biggest difference between extrovert versus introvert moms is the kind of break we need from our kids, from our families. I am energized by time alone. The thing about my kid is she is always there. Even in the bathroom. There you are, in your sacred meditation space, dropping a deuce, with junior on your lap. As a parent you are on all of the time. You are needed. All caps and in italics. And what your kid needs most from you is for you to be emotionally present with them. Not in the room but on your phone. Your kid needs and deserves for you to be connected. All of the time. IT’S JUST TOO MUCH.
For any parent. But especially for one who needs time completely alone: no partner, no kid/s, no “mom tribal” support, just me. By myself. Alone, with the only people present being the fictional ones in the novel I’m blissfully absorbing, to recharge and feel somewhat close to normal. When I am home with my daughter, even when she is asleep, there is a part of me that is aware and focused on her. In part that’s just the way it’s going to be for the rest of my life. They say having a kid is like having a part of your heart walking around outside of your body. There is truth in this. Which is why what I need when I want alone time is solo time in a space that is mine. If I don’t get time physically alone, isolated, comfortable, at least a few hours every week, I die a little inside. I know it sounds like hyperbole. It isn’t.
One of the reasons we introverts need alone time is there is so much stuff going on in our heads. Introverts tend have incredibly active inner lives. To the extent that Carl Jung (yes, he is problematic) defined introversion as valuing the inner life more highly than the material world. But it can be a bit much when layered on top of real life. I think I’ve mentioned that sometimes it’s downright loud inside my head. And I love it! There are characters, plot twists, music. It’s awesome. But on top of life out in the world it can be overwhelming. Especially real life that involves the support and nurturing of your kid’s tiny, active, little mind and body.
The fact is that the break I need to refuel and recharge isn’t always possible. Life happens. We are in a new city in a new country and the connections I have made are tenuous. My husband travels for work. I don’t know if it’s an American thing, an introvert thing, a Strong Black Woman thing, but it can be incredibly hard to ask for help. Add that to the guilt I feel about the fact that I revel in naptime and am positively giddy at the fact that she will start at the børnehave soon and there are times when at the end of the day I am so emotionally shattered I don’t go to sleep so much as black out.
So, what the hell am I going to do about this?
1. My kid is going to børnehave, Danish preschool for kids almost three to six. Even though I am a stay at home mom. And I am going to try my damnedest not to feel guilty about that. It’s a little easier here where people not only do not judge you for putting your kid in care even SAHMs are actually encouraged to do it.
2. Quiet time. Time where she (and I) can decompress while coloring, reading, or playing with her blocks. This is something we can happily do together or separately.
3. Get up extra early. This is something I have always done but now, especially with the weather so uncharacteristically nice, I get out and take a walk. As much as we introverts love to stay in our cozy corners we also enjoy a quiet stroll. Be it along silent city streets or to the sound of birds chirping in the park it definitely helps to recharge my batteries.
4. As counter-intuitive as it seems, make connections. The key with us introverts, and extroverts, is it all becomes a lot easier when you follow your passions. For me, outside of my family and loved ones, those include books, politics and social justice, writing, and producing art. So far irl I joined a book club and the local chapter of Democrats Abroad.
5. Don’t wait until I am ready to storm out of the house to ask for help. Sure there are bad days, but it is rarely one day that causes a blow up. Recognize the signs that I need to take a couple of hours and take them.
6. And remember, at the end of the night, there is always wine.