My husband and I have been together for over twenty years, married for almost 18. One of the most difficult periods in our marriage was our first year in Seoul.
Part of it was our house.
The good: It was an actual house. Not attached to anyone with a concrete yard that was actually quite large, huge, by Seoul standards. In the warmer months it was quite nice. Plenty big enough for parties and BBQs. I even grew herbs and strawberries.
The bad: The place was obviously built by the original owners who, equally obviously, had no idea what the hell they were doing. There was little insulation and the wiring was . . . intuitive. It was a bit small and dark. The living dining combo was a tight narrow space. The kitchen had two burners and no counter space.
The ugly: In winter the bathroom, definitely added later, was cold. And when I say cold I mean FREEZING. You would take a shower (there was no tub), and by the time you had turned off the water and wrapped up in a towel the water on the outer wall had already begun to freeze. As in turn to ice. As in wtf?!?
As an introvert I need a recharging space and I didn’t really have one at the house. Add that to the stress we both experienced starting a new job in a new city, even if it was a city we were familiar with. The new job required us to be on campus only three days a week. Which was amazingly awesome. Unfortunately, that first year we had the same schedule.
My husband is not an introvert and while he respects the fact that I am one he doesn’t always get what that means. Especially being from the US where extroversion is woven into the fabric of our culture. For SM having a long weekend, every weekend meant we could go out to explore Korea every week! For me it did not. We wanted to spend time with each other but we didn’t want the same things. We both felt we were compromising yet neither felt we were getting at all what we wanted.
It was rough.
Our biggest fights usually involve one of two things. Either one of us tries to interpret what the other one really means instead of just listening to what is actually being said. Or one of us doesn’t say what they really mean.
This is in part because our communication styles are not stereotypical. I grew up in a house full of brothers. He came of age in a house full of women. His experience taught him to believe that when women spoke he had to interpret the meaning. My experience led me to a blunt way of speaking. I said what I said. Add this to the two of us trying to be nice to one another and you have layers of miscommunication that eventually blew up on us.
So, how did we get through it? The trick was learning how to talk to one another.
Start the conversation with silence. Look your partner in the eye. Think not about what you want to say but how much you care about this person.
Receive what they are saying. Make a conscious effort to comprehend.
Show your appreciation for what is being said by using both verbal and non-verbal cues like nodding your head or or making sounds in encouragement.
Ask questions for clarity.
Start your half of the conversation by summarizing your understanding of what has been said.
Remember that the goal is not to win, but to understand and to connect. With this as a goal you don’t even have to agree with one another. Do we do this all of the time? Nope. Not even most of the time. But when it matters? Always.