In previous posts I have mentioned that I am an introvert. On most personality tests I rate somewhere in the sixty/forty range.
When I speak of being an introvert I speak of energy. Being an extrovert or introvert has nothing to do with social skills or emotional intelligence. Both introverts and extroverts can be narcissistic, overbearing, or self-involved. Both can also be empathetic, quick witted, or commanding. Extroverts can be shy and introverts can be outgoing. The main difference between the two is that introverts charge internally while extroverts charge externally. This means that it costs introverts energy to process external stimulus, even when we are enjoying ourselves. Both introverts and extroverts can enjoy the party. But the introvert is more likely to go home afterward and recharge while the extrovert is heading to the after party.
It can be difficult to be an introvert in extrovert loving America. In modern American culture being extroverted is associated with leadership, success, all things positive. Synonyms for extrovert include genial, cordial, affable, and friendly. For introvert the synonyms are wallflower, mouse, cold fish, iceberg, and icicle. Not a single positive among them. I’m looking at you Merriam-Webster. This wasn’t always the case. Until well into the twentieth century the ideals of introversion, a tendency to think before speaking or acting and to reflect and absorb information before speaking, were highly valued. It was thought “It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.” (Mrs. Goose, Her Book by Maurice Switzer) Then came the age of celebrity which, not coincidentally, occurred about the same time that televisions became ubiquitous in the average American home. Suddenly popularity and charm took on the weight of moral gravitas. If you weren’t continually talking, exposing yourself mentally, people started to wonder what you were hiding. This ideal has seeped into every aspect of American ethos from the administration of participation points in our classrooms to newsroom descriptions of murderers as “lone wolves”.
The U.S. is dominated by talkers. Being gregarious is to be seen as intelligent. It is accepted as fact that creativity and innovation are conceived almost exclusively through teamwork and collaboration. I grew up with family, friends, and teachers telling me that I needed to participate more, talk more, put myself out there more. One of my elementary school teachers suggested holding me back. Since I chose to read in the classroom instead of going out for recess it was obvious to her that, socially, I was behind the other students. In high school a concerned teacher had me called into the guidance counselor’s office because I seemed quiet and subdued in her class. The class was algebra and it was seven forty-five in the morning. It was made clear to me early and repeatedly that there was something wrong with me because I preferred being alone. I was shamed and ashamed which did nothing to help my anxiety- which I know now was aggravated less by my introversion than by other people’s reactions to my introversion.
As any American introvert will tell you there are certain things you learn to do out of pure survival. For women especially, avoid resting bitch face. For even the most basic of interactions say hello, how are you (or how ya mama and dem), offer a compliment, ask questions. Be positive. Be chipper. Make eye contact and smile, smile, smile. It took me a while but I did learn it. Smile, firm handshake, eye contact. Chit. Chat. On an already stressful day it can be grueling.
The love of extroversion is so dominant, and so extreme, in American culture, the damning of introversion so common place, that it is easy for people in the U.S. to assume that that’s the way it is everywhere. On the contrary, there is a lot of the world where introversion is still held as an ideal and nowhere else is it so vilified. When I left the States and found out that in a lot of cultures the American way is actually a bit overwhelming. Riding public transport in Korea was positively blissful. I could read my book in peace content in the knowledge that I would be completely unbothered nor have any obligation to interact. With anyone. I could leave a crowded coffee shop feeling refreshed. During our first weeks in Denmark I went with my daughter to the grocery store. She was on my back in her carrier and I was chatting to her as we walked around the store. This is a habit I picked up partially because I like talking to my baby girl but also to stave off the requirement to converse with anyone else. After a few minutes I realized that not only was I the loudest person in the store, I was pretty much the only one talking at all. Though I have embraced my introversion, when living and traveling outside of the States I am reminded that I am an American introvert.
